I think I have had anxiety for a long, long time but I never really put the pieces together until about a year ago.
Anxiety can look different for everyone. I think what comes to mind for a lot of people when they hear the word anxiety, is someone in visible panic, distress and fear. For me, it’s quite the opposite. Not visible to the natural eye, but completely inside my body. Anxiety doesn’t always make logical sense. It’s not something that is easy to explain or even tell people about. My anxiety stems from a few things, but most of all it comes from Emetaphobia. If you don’t know what Emetaphobia is, it’s basically an extreme fear of throwing up, feeling nauseated or seeing/hearing someone else throw up, and a lot of other things related to throw up. Just typing the word is hard for me. It is honestly something I get embarrassed talking about. I think it’s kinda weird and not normal, but it’s what I struggle with.
I’ve struggled with this since I was a little kid. I remember in 4th grade I was so fearful EVERY DAY that I would get sick at school or not feel well while not at home, so I pretended many times that I didn’t feel good so I wouldn’t have to go to school and deal with my fear. I clearly remember a day that my mom was literally carrying me (a 10/11 year old) into my school while I flailed my body and cried because I didn’t want to go. I was hysterical and as my teacher met my mom and I outside the classroom, she handed me a little bottle of water and so lovingly walked me into the classroom (BLESS HER HEART). Talk about embarrassment. I didn’t even know how to explain what was wrong or why I felt the way that I did. I ended up having to go see the school counselor a few times because it was just that bad. As time went on, I got a little better. I went to school just fine, but other behaviors started to come up. Around that same age bracket, I would take chewable Pepto Bismal multiple nights a week because in my brain I thought it would make it so I “wouldn’t get sick” when really I was probably just hurting my gut. But it made sense in my mind. I also started some odd eating habits. I don’t think I ever had an eating disorder, but my anxiety/fear made my brain tell me to eat a certain way. I could only eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and 1 snack/dessert. I hardly EVER veered from that regime. The reason for this limit on my food intake was because in my mind, if I were to get sick, it would be because I over ate.. not because of a stomach bug or anything like that. I’m still a little weird about how much/how often and what I eat, but now it’s more so about eating what makes my body feel good.
As I’ve gotten older and am now an adult I’ve noticed other behaviors as well. My husband got sick one night about a year ago and it triggered me. Bad. Just hearing the sound made me incredibly anxious. My heart was racing and I was in an inaudible panic. I didn’t want to help him, be around him or get close to him because I could not handle getting sick myself. I even made him sleep in a different room until he was feeling better. Anytime he tells me he doesn’t feel too well, it makes me so nervous. I’ve also avoided any gatherings with groups of people that I knew had been sick recently. Couldn’t risk it ya know?
So you could say this is something I have dealt with on a daily basis for YEARS. And now I have something coming up in my life that will bring a new challenge to this fear of mine.. becoming a mom. Being a mom is my biggest dream and purpose in life. But I am terrified. So terrified. Not for labor/delivery, not for needles, not bringing a baby home.. but the potential sickness. I also want to be clear that this fear is NOT why we haven’t had kids yet. So please don’t make that assumption. We just haven’t felt that it’s our time yet. Anyways, I know most women get sick multiple times, especially in the first trimester. It gives me anxiety just thinking about that being me. It’s hard to explain and hard for people to understand. I know that nobody likes to be sick. It’s not fun for anyone! But for me and those that also struggle with Emetaphobia, it’s more than that. It’s irrational, but it makes sense in our minds. Anxiety is weird and I get upset that I struggle with this, but I’m just trying to take it a day at a time and remind myself that whatever happens, happens and I WILL BE OKAY. And whatever type of trial you’re going through.. YOU WILL BE OKAY TOO! We are all in this together. We all struggle with something. We all mess up. We all have insecurities. But we also are all here on this earth for a specific purpose and you are the only you.
This post is probably the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever done. A lot of close friends and even family members don’t know this about me. But I think it’s important for people to know your struggles. You never know who you could help and you can open up doors that you never thought you would. I only write this from my experience. I know everyone’s anxieties and fears will differ.
Thanks for reading! If you’ve experienced this, I’d love to chat with you.
xo - Michaela